Reminiscing

As I was preparing for bed last night I looked at the clock and thought, "What was I doing 4 years ago right now?" I can still vividly remember the night of May 14 though the next day until 8:00pm. I have to say it was the hardest and most emotional day of my life. It was the day after Mother's Day.

On Mother's Day we had spent a couple hours at the hospital with with my Mom, the doctors said she was doing better and even moved her from the cardiac ICU to a private room so the grand kids could see her. Other than being in the hospital it was the perfect Mother's Day for Mom... almost all of the family with her, surrounded by love and little girl's giggles. I called her room later that night and we talked about the baby (I was pregnant with Hannah), how I was feeling, the upcoming induction, who was going to take care of Chloe since she couldn't, and how Jeff would bring her pictures of Hannah as soon as he could. I never thought that when we said goodnight that would be the last time I heard her say, "I love you."

The next day, May 14, was a roller coaster of events. Dad called first thing to tell me that something was wrong with Mom and he was on his way to the hospital. I relayed his msg to everyone I could and asked them to start praying. Some updates sounded positive, but later in the day they seemed grimmer and grimmer. When we dropped Chloe off at Jeff & Michele's house Michele gave me a hug and said that she was so sorry. I don't remember what I said to her, but inside I was thinking don't say that or hug me like this... because if you do it really does mean that she is dieing! Instead of going out on a last date before the baby as we had planned Jeff and I headed up to the hospital.

Shortly after we got there it was determined that there was little to no chance of Mom being able to ever get off life support... even if she ever did regain consciousness. We were all gathered around a table in a circle, and as I looked around I knew we were all thinking the same thing, but not wanting to actually say it. It was time... Mom made it very clear to all of us that if she was ever put on life support & there was no hope of her getting off of it to live a normal life then we were to pull the plug. She didn't want to "live" that way.

Everyone at the hospital took turns going back to say their final goodbyes before they took her off of life support. Once the deed was done the immediate family was allowed to go back to spend the last few minutes with her. Dad prayed and then we sang Amazing Grace, to my knowledge it was Mom's favorite hymn, and when we sang "Praise God, praise god, praise god..." I felt the room take a deep breath, looked at the clock (shortly after midnight), and her monitors ( one last blip and then nothing), and knew that she was gone.. no longer in pain, reunited with loved ones, and most importantly with God. Now that isn't to say that I wasn't hurting our mourning her, but I knew she was where she was meant to be.

Jeff and I headed home to prepare for Hannah's birth... we would only get a couple of hours of sleep, but it would have to be enough. With Jeff in bed, my bags all packed, and the house quiet I took a shower. I allowed myself to cry through the whole shower, but I knew that once it was done I had to stop and focus on the little life inside of me. If I didn't Mom would have had a fit... her grand babies were the most important things in the world to her!

When we were at the hospital the nurses gave Jeff a hard time about going to sleep on the couch while they were prepping me for the induction. I told them to let him sleep because we had a hard night and there wasn't anything for him to do now, but I would need him later. One of the staff came in to draw blood. She was a nice enough woman, but half way through the polite conversation she started complaining about her mom. She had given her mom flowers for Mothers Day, but they weren't the right kind and her mom was upset that she hadn't gone to visit. I turned my head and started crying... it hurt to know that I wouldn't ever be able to complain or vent about my Mom again... she wouldn't ever be able to do the little things that annoyed me again. The lady asked me if she had hurt me, and when I said no she wanted to know why I was crying. I told her what we had just been through, and I encouraged her to take the time to go see her mom... because you never know when you won't have the chance to do it again. The poor lady looked devastated, and kept apologizing to me.

Word slowly spread through the floor about what happened and my doctor asked me if I wanted to stop the induction. as much as I wanted to say yes I also knew it was time. There was a reason for Hannah to be born on that specific day.... so we continued on. I had several people visit me in the hospital during my labor. Most of them I hadn't seen in years and wondered how in the world they knew I was there. To this day I don't know how they knew beyond the SGC grapevine, but I am thankful that each one of them visited me. They were all women who had known me as a child and in a way were "fill in Moms" when my own Mom couldn't be there to hold my hand or talk me through a contraction.

At 7pm on the nose our little Hannah Lee was born... such a sweet blessing to our lives on a day that should have been filled with sadness. There are so many times that Hannah will do something or say something that is so much like Mom it almost hurts. When Hannah was a month old I can remember holding her, crying and being upset that Mom wasn't with me and would never get the chance to hold her. At one point I noticed that Hannah was looking over my shoulder just grinning away, and then I got a chill down my spine. From that point on I knew that even though Mom may not be physically here that she was still with us, looking over her babies, and loving every minute of being where she was.

So for those that have been given the luxury of still having your Mom around please take the time to give her a call, a hug, an e-mail... something to express your love to her... you never know when it will be your last chance.